


Empty-Handed

by windfallswest



Series: Olin/Lands [9]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Last of The Jedi Series - Jude Watson
Genre: Developing Relationship, Existential Crisis, Jedi having the emotional intelligence of a brick on fire, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 01:50:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18378482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windfallswest/pseuds/windfallswest
Summary: He owed Roan an explanation and apology. It was only right. But not today. Maybe tomorrow he could bear to look Roan in the face and break his heart.





	Empty-Handed

**Author's Note:**

> Ferus may have a few things he needs to work through.

Ferus had no clear memory of finding his way back to his rented room. Letting the door close between himself and the rest of the world, he stumbled the short distance to his sleeping couch and collapsed atop it. Burying his face in his pillow, Ferus wept as he hadn't since the night they had returned to the temple from Korriban. Finally alone in his chamber there, meditation had failed and grief had overwhelmed him. 

The Jedi did not forbid grief, or any other emotion. They let them come, and then let them go; that was the real trick. If the guilt was overwhelming tonight, he could hang on through it. Tomorrow was soon enough to try making sense of the mess he had once again made of his life. 

_How did I forget why I'm here in the first place?_ In his excitement and the newness of everything, Ferus had let things between himself and Roan go too far. 

He couldn't forget the expression on Roan's face, joy crumbling into dismay. Hurting Roan was the last thing he'd wanted, but he had to stop this now. _I should leave._ Go, and start somewhere else, more carefully. More responsibly. Darra hadn't died saving him so he could go on and ruin anyone else's life. 

There was no sleep to be had, but morning came far too soon. Ferus lay limply, for a moment contemplating staying where he was. 

But he rose and deactivated his alarm. He felt curiously numb and empty. It was similar to the way he'd felt when he'd cut himself off from the Force, as though last night he'd shut down some essential layer of perception. 

Ferus was still wearing last night's clothes. It was only when he went to strip that he remembered his left hand was wrapped to protect the design drawn on it. With clumsy fingers, Ferus peeled it away and brushed the dried and crumbling paste into the waste disposal. 

He got back late that night to find a dozen messages from Roan on his comm terminal; Ferus deleted them without listening. The next day, he showed up at the shop. Ferus barely saw him coming in time to retreat to the greenhouse, disabling the door controls for good measure. 

Of course Roan wouldn't make this easy. How could Ferus explain to him that he could only make things worse? 

He tried to put Roan from his mind and focus on thinning out and repotting next season's ornamental bulbs, but the design on his hand provided a constant reminder. Staining almost as dark as an inked tattoo, it had garnered far too much attention yesterday from his coworkers. A sonic wash hadn't done anything to scrub it away. 

Ferus turned his palm up to look at the ornate tracery of shapes within shapes and thought of Pramud carefully drawing them, Roan's arm around him. A reminder of things he might want, maybe, but could never in good conscience allow himself to have. _How did I let this happen?_

Ferus closed his hand. He owed Roan an explanation and apology. It was only right. But not today. Maybe tomorrow he could bear to look Roan in the face and break his heart. 

 

Ferus stood on the street, gathering his courage. He was no longer certain of his welcome here, although Roan hadn't given up trying to comm him. He'd made himself listen to the most recent messages; it had taken a few repetitions before he could hear more than just the worry and hurt in Roan's voice. _I don't know—anything, I guess. But if you want to talk, I'll be at my parents' tomorrow._

Maybe it wasn't the best time or place, but if Ferus hadn't wanted an audience for this, he shouldn't have put it off so long. He'd needed time to compose himself; any more delay was just cowardice. _Just because something is hard is no reason not to do it._

The door opened as Ferus was reaching for the chime. Payam Lands was on the other side, and they didn't look especially pleased to see him. 

"Hello—"

"Roan isn't here."

"Then I suppose I'll wait for him outside." Ferus inclined his head politely, not quite able to manage a smile.

Payam stared at him for another long moment. "Don't be stupid; come in. Mom!" they yelled. "Ferus!"

Enna Lands leaned out the archway leading back to the rest of the house as Ferus edged inside around Payam. "Thank you, dear. Why don't you go help your father in the kitchen now?"

Payam rolled their eyes. But with a last, mistrustful glance back at Roan, they stumped off as ordered. Enna regarded him with pursed lips. 

"Why don't you come with me, Ferus?"

Enna led him back to an office where she and her husband organised the household's affairs. She closed the door and turned to face him. 

"Roan says you've been avoiding him." 

Ferus swallowed, his mouth and throat dry. "I came to talk." He'd wanted to catch Roan before the meal, since waiting for it to end would take all night. 

"Love can be a scary thing."

Ferus felt his eyes widen in panic, but of course Roan had told him parents. He looked away, unable to hold Enna's gaze. 

"You don't understand. _He_ doesn't understand. I should never have— I don't deserve. To have that. After what I'm responsible for. It wouldn't be right."

Enna's touch on his face was a surprise. She stroked his cheek, wiping at a trickle of wetness there. 

"Oh, child." Enna's tone was uncharacteristically gentle. "Love isn't something you deserve. It's a gift you accept, and you give it back in whatever ways you can. Just because it makes the galaxy a better place."

Her words hit him with almost the same power as Roan's had the other night. Ferus closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the storm in his heart. He had been as poor a custodian of Roan's as he'd been of his comrades' safety. 

Dimly, there was the sound of a door opening, and then Roan's arm's were around him; Ferus knew his scent and his embrace even with his eyes tight shut. This time, he didn't have the strength to pull away. He clung to Roan in desperate confusion. It made him feel both better and worse. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," Roan murmured in a low voice.

Ferus shook his head. The thought of Roan trying to apologise for this was unbearable. "No. Don't. Shut up. None of this is your fault. You have to let me explain—"

"Shh," Roan soothed him. "All right. How do you feel about running away again?"

 

Roan used the desk comm to summon an autorickshaw for the short trip to his apartment, apparently not trusting the privacy of his family home, soon to be full of cousins and aunts and grandparents as well as siblings. Ferus managed to pull himself back together somewhat and let go his clamp-like clutch on Roan. 

There was an awkward distance between them when they arrived. Roan looked as lost as Ferus felt. 

"Tea? Why don't I make some tea?" 

Ferus followed him into the kitchen. He hesitated, then sat down at the table. The silence drew out between them, only magnified by the small clinks and rattling as Roan moved around the kitchen. 

Ferus tried to organise his thoughts, but he kept finding himself watching Roan's hands and the set of his shoulders. Head hanging, he leaned on the counter with his back turned. They waited for the water to boil.

Roan caught him looking when he turned around. Ferus accepted a hot mug wordlessly. 

After a moment's hesitation, Roan sat down across the table. "Ferus."

Ferus rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I know."

"I mean, I kind of caught you off guard, but that wasn't the reaction I'd have expected." 

Ferus mustered a brief smile that felt weak even to him. 

"Can you tell me about it?" 

"I— When I left the Jedi." Roan's breath caught, and Ferus pressed on. "You shouldn't love me. You have to understand. When I left the Jedi. It was supposed to be my last mission before I faced the Trials, but I failed more completely than any test could have revealed. 

"There were eight of us, four masters, four padawans, pursuing dangerous fugitives onto their home ground, the most horrible place you could imagine. Traps everywhere, the Dark choking us. And I thought—I was going to be a Knight. I should trust my judgement, even if it meant breaking protocol." Ferus shook his head in a short, sharp jerk.

"But I was wrong. I left us all vulnerable, and a fellow padawan died saving my life." He took a shaky breath. "Darra. Her name was Darra, and she's dead because of me. After that, I knew I didn't have what it takes to be a Jedi. And when you told me—" 

"—That I love you," Roan said. 

Ferus shook his head again. "—it was the same. I'll only let you down." 

"Ferus, no."

"I will. I'm not who you thought I was. I'm sorry; I should have told you sooner. I should have stopped sooner." 

But the look on Roan's face less resembled disappointment than...fond exasperation? Ferus stared back at him helplessly. Roan reached across the table and took his hand. 

"You're exactly who I thought you were," he told Ferus gently. And then he _smiled_ , like he hadn't heard anything Ferus had just told him. "I don't know how you expected me to think you were perfect, though." 

Ferus continued to gape at him. "...Are you _teasing_ me?" 

Roan stroked his knuckles with his thumb. "I do that when you're being ridiculous. Ferus, I love you."

"Roan..."

"I love you," he repeated. "No matter what. And you don't have to say anything. I didn't mean to ambush you before."

Ferus felt his face crumpling again. He was gripping Roan's hand back tightly now. 

"Hey." Roan came around the table. Ferus lurched to his feet and wrapped his arms around him. 

"I missed you so much."

Roan returned the fierce embrace. "I couldn't stand it."

It felt so right to have Roan's arms around him again, it was frightening. Maybe Enna was right, because nobody could deserve this man, but there was no question that he deserved everything Ferus could give him. 

"I do love you," Ferus whispered. He couldn't imagine what else this feeling might be. _No wonder the Jedi are wary of it._ For the first time since he'd left the temple, Ferus was almost glad he was no longer a Jedi.


End file.
